Can't Help But Think...

...that i should've been on that plane to Sydney right now and singing, "I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane". Ahhh but it was never meant to be. I still couldn't understand why the change of events but i guess just like a dear friend said that this really could actually be a blessing in disguise. Maybe God has something in stall for me and one of which is definitely today's sermon which spoke a lot to me.

Ha, i wonder what else could there be....

Church Minus the Drama.

Is that even possible? I sincerely doubt so. Not to say that the church is filled with drama mamas but it's still a place filled with imperfect people. Mmm People. People are never far from conflicts. Clashes of ideologies, conflicting point of views, disagreements on how things are to be done, doubts, suspicions, critical thoughts, all these are bound to happen in a community.

We tend to never want to talk about it, thrash it out and resolve the differences or disagreements. Instead we let the bad thoughts fester in our minds and soon enough, it kind of generates a certain resentment which could well lead to many other things. Maybe an outright display of disapproval, a decline in commitment, gossiping or maybe throw in a little spirituality and you might just feel that God's calling you out of that place.

Sigh. I guess that's why i find church so tiring sometimes.

Clouds of Dust.

Awwww man. Urbanization is happening in Punggol. Cant run along the LRT route anymore. If i keep running there, i'd probably die at 50 years old. Guess i'd have to stick running in circles round and round the field. :(

What the World says: "Do whatever you want just dont get caught."

What the world says... Am I to listen? I'm gonna try and confront the wordly philosophies with what the Word of God says and hopefully learn something out of my examinations.

The beloved "8th" core value of the SAF. I came in close on being charged a couple days ago (you could ask me why if ya see me around. Cant post it online lol.). I was entirely at fault and that day was the day i understood what does "ball shrink" means when i had to explain my actions and stuff. But phew, i was pardoned because i adtmitted my mistakes and guess that's the way to go; when caught just own up and dont try to pin the fault on anyone else.

Hahaha come to think of it, it's kinda funny now, i was expecting to be demoted, charged and pulled out of the training but of course none of that happened.

So i was caught. I guess i could've gotten off with it if i lied at some point but meh, rather be a man and suck it up than lie like a kid. At least i've learnt a lesson here, it is to try and do nothing wrong AT ALL rather than trying to elude being busted.

Now this little episode reminded me of what a friend (that's you James, if you're reading. :]) shared during a dinner. It's about Daniel and the integrity he has. Here's the verse: "Then the commissioners and satraps began trying to find a ground of accusation against Daniel in regard to government affairs; but they could find no ground of accusation or evidence of corruption, inasmuch as he was faithful, and no negligence or corruption was to be found in him." Daniel 6:4

Aha there you go, integrity 101, doing the right thing, every single moment, even when nobody's looking. So you won't ever need to worry about getting caught or accused or whatsoever because "He who walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will be found out." Proverbs 10:9

The Shadow Proves the Sunshine..

Sunshine, won't you be my mother
Sunshine, come and help me sing
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath

We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Two scared little runaways
Hold fast to the break of day light were
The shadow proves the sunshine

Oh Lord, why did you forsake me?
Oh Lord, don't be far away away
Storm clouds gathering beside me
Please Lord, don't look the other way

Crooked souls trying to stay up straight
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Two scared little runaways
Hold fast to the break of day light were
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Self-Mastery. (Emotions)

There are many aspects to self-mastery and i'd just like to talk about one aspect, to control one's emotions.

"A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them." -Oscar Wilde ( He still screwed up in life but at least he's smart enough to come out with such a quote.)

Emotions, imagine living without them, we'd be like zombies going "uguhgughguuugugguhhhh *slurrrrrrs*". They are God given and God has them too since we're created in His image. It is embedded so deep within us that we get controlled by them sometimes. I am myself a victim (sadly, a willing one) to it but i've been lately trying to establish a firm dominance over my emotions. Being ruled by your emotions can cause serious shit. You'll rush into relationships and decisions, you'll get wrapped up in self-pity, you'll be insecure, you'll make the wrong choices and so on. It's basically a lot easier to follow one's feelings than to wait upon God.

I guess that's why it's so important to have mastery over it instead of having it rule over you. Being governed by truths and facts is the way to go! Don't be strapped down by despair, destroyed by anger, tricked by a moment of desire and be found crying over spilt milk. It just ain't worth it!

"Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit." Proverbs 25:28 (NASB)

Restraint.

Oh Temptation how often I run into thee,

how you arouse my desires sometimes so subtly.

But Jesus my sweet restraint presents another way,

let not my heart wander 'tis i pray.

Aww Despair, the one who makes me shout "hopeless!",

how you parade my failures and made me a heap of bleakness.

But Jesus my comforting restraint reminds me all is not forlorn,

He gives me new strength to say, "Despair get off my lawn!"

Hey Pride, you who made an abode in my heart,

how you start with a brick of ego, now it became a rampart.

But Jesus my glorious restraint came like a unstoppable steamroll,

and as I boast in Him the walls came down like those in Jericho.

YOU Anger, the cause of the smoke coming out of my nose,

how you made my tongue a reckless and accusing hose.

But Jesus my merciful restraint, my lips it refrains.

To forgive as I have been forgiven, the Bible explains.

Such are the miracles of restraint. The sweet restraint came as a choice and the comfort He offers takes a bit of faith. Choose to boast in Him yet you decrease and to forgive as you have been forgiven gives a freedom untold.

The restraint of Christ is a restraint of love. Yet, to be compelled by love is a paradox, for love never forces, it's just something we all find very hard to turn away from.

Ponder-OH!-wonder.

>:(

*FROWNS* wah lau sian. I just failed my dental FFI today, c'mon man what can a few wisdom teeth do to flying. Grrr. Dont understand man. Now i've gotta wait a whole month for the next air grading course. God, shed some understanding please! >:(

*sigh*

Guitar Herooooooooooooo.

Oh my, i'm really addicted to practicing on my electric guitar. Really hope to play it for worship someday. It would really add a lot of energy to the praise songs! Hmmmm but i guess i need to regulate a bit. You know, it's that kinda thing that isn't really that bad but somehow it'd rob you of your time with God if you dont discipline yourself.

Lol so much for rule 24. I've not been updating for days! Guess some rules are really meant to be broken :O Anyway, things in life has been picking up and i'm busy nowadays with my new posting to air force school and it's kinda tiring. 2 more weeks and i'd be off for bout 3 weeks (if i fail the 1st test) in Australia. I feel so pressurized already, all my relatives caught news of me going thru this pilot thing and they're all expecting me to pass. HURRRRR it's gonna be so embarrassing if i didn't make it. Oh wells, i'd just do my best luh, i've got nothing to lose anyway, okay maybe some face but then again, less ego is good.

Kaching! The money's rolling in from CNY and i'm eyeing an amp already! Haha it's the only part of CNY i'm looking forward to man. It's usually a tiring affair of dodging questions and impressing relatives and my dad had it this year because his son got lucky (it's a term. just a term. dont believe in luck anyway.) and got into this pilot gig. I can see he's proud, really proud of me. Mmm compared to the time when i was in sec 3 where he almost drove me to suicide (*gasp*), i'd would say our relationship have improved a lot. Thank God.

Ahh and it's valentine's today! Or rather it's singles awareness day as how one of my friends puts it. I guess i'm contented at being where i am right now, my foresight's a little fogged right now so it's best not to get into a relationship. Plus, I guess love is about patience too and love without it is just infatuation. HAHAHAHA i just hope the certain someone wont be snapped up while i'm learning what love is. That would be really tragic. lol.

Kinda Hard to Keep Up.

Lol i'm breaking so many rules already but thank God the important ones are still more or less intact. Been really busy with building a website and practicing guitar. And now i've got an electric one to test out if i'd like it.

Whoa whoa whoa it's good to be clumped up with things to do but yet never too busy for God! With that said better stop playing my guitar and pick up that bible!

Jornal Entry 04/02/10

"May Commitment Birth from the Ashes of Discouragements"

It was a silly decision after-all. It is firstly not God's will and secondly, it's far too dangerous. I can never trust myself to fully utilize the hours of not going to church.

If it's a bunch of feelings and discouragements that's poking me, shouldn't i exercise my authority over my emotions? Why choose to be led by my heart?

But why the constant thoughts of leaving? I find a lack of commitment from my part. I guess it's been there since the great "Exodus" occurred, seeing all my closest buddies and leaders leave, i don't know if i should be going too.

Now, if i'm to resolute myself to commit to this church and rebuilding of the youth group, i guess leaving should have never cross my mind.

But there's still much to learn about koinonia tho. I find my lack of love towards people in church to be disappointing and it must've been really ugly in God's eyes. Perhaps it's the expectations of "christian behaviors" that's causing this. Some people may be hard to love, but if God has called us to be a community of believers, i don't see why He would not help me do so...

Ahhh, things are so much clearer when you're on your knees praying, "Not my will but Thine be done."

Evangelism.

It's been a while since i've last done active evangelism, the last time i did it probably didn't count because it was part of an "amazing race" requirement. I once heard a preacher said that when someone says something right before they die or are gone, it usually is something of utmost importance and it turned out that the great commission was the last thing Jesus said before the ascension. Mmm if sharing the good news is so important then why am i not doing it?

Maybe i'm too caught up with my own problems and work. However, give it a deeper thought, there just might be a sadder truth. (Well at least that was what i'm confronted with.) Is the good news still good news to me? Or have i lost faith in it somewhere along life's up and downs that it became just a 'compulsory' christian term? I guess it's high time i examine my life.

Time.

I thank God for where i am now. I have most nights free and it really gave me time to get back to God. I'm utterly convinced that stagnation occurs when we no longer fellowship with Him and contemplate His glory in a manner whereby time is no longer a concern. For that i guess i shouldn't be setting a limit or an aim to how much a time i should spend with Him.

It may be a few minutes of quiet contemplation of who He is or an hour of reading His word, i guess the focus is on Him and not time. It'd be like on a date and you're looking at your watch so very often that it's no longer bout the lady but how much time you have spent or could spend with her. Sounds pretty selfish to me and i guess it's a major lesson for me today. :)

What's Her Story?

She's probably a few years younger than me and standing behind the counter, i thought she's pretty tall for the average girl. She looks like the studious sort, spotting a set of glasses and i wonder why she's here working at macdonalds and not in school.

"The baby's moving!" she said to a colleague cheerily while stroking her belly. I guess i've found my answer and as she stands there coaxing her baby while her motherly colleagues gave her advises to ease the pain, i cant help but wonder, "What's her story?".

Did they thought that they were really in love when they did it or was it all a moment of folly? Is the guy still around or did he shirk his responsibility? As i walked home, i muttered a little prayer that God would provide for them and that she'd one day find Him. It must've been hard for her compared to the guy -.- Man, i really hope he didnt flee the scene or worst, suggest abortion. Grrr.

Rule 1.

"WHAT? Are you kidding?" "Stop attending church? That's like spiritual suicide."

I wont be gone forever nor will i be attending another church. I guess I just need some time to change my perspective on people and to seriously cease thinking cynically. Shame on me really but it's really tiring to wrestle with all these thoughts constantly.

There are wounds to heal and expectations to tear down and i have much to learn what's koinonia all about. Until then i dont think i should be around or i'd end up stucked week after week. I know i'd never be able to justify this to some people but just so they know that i'm not doing this flippantly or without prayer.

"The church is never in between you and God for you are the church."

Shingles.

Nope, not an imitation of pringles, it' this viral infection caused by the very same virus that causes chicken pox. I guess it kinda broke out from its sleep or something. Nothing too serious tho because it's still at its early stage. HAHAHAHA but my parents were so worried! Aww man, they kept saying it's the "snake" disease and that i'd die if the rashes go around. So they insisted on bringing me to a chinese acupuncturist to kill the snake. Good thing's the doctor's closed so we went to this chinese herbal master to see if it's really the "snake" disease. In the end it's all a small matter but i'll have to drink the herbal which is most probably black and bitter. Eww.

But still thank God for my parents.